[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.