CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)