Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I didn’t realize that was an option
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
peak technology
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”