Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me irl
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.