Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
very niche meme I made
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!