Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You Might Also Like
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Autocorrect is my menesis
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”