Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.