Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Does your wife know you’re single?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?