Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
There’s no “u” in narcissist
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: