Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
You Might Also Like
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Where’s my employee discount too?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.