[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.