Classic German Shepherd 😂
You Might Also Like
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…