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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
good morning
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby