Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
You Might Also Like
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”