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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
There’s only one good girl here!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
This rocks
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven