[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
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6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Love is always patient and kind.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register