Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..