Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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Mission: Impossible
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!