“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Generation gap…
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
3% human
97% stress
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou