clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
mumsnet is amazing
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.