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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.