cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
🌱🌱🌱
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.