Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
she has a point
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
This could be us but you eatin’
Ugh
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!