Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
yeah 😭
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Should I call tech support or pray or what
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
🤣could you imagine
Got ya covered
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My sex drive has a dui
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.