Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain