*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.