*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
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God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what