Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TheBoydP

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

@HelloCullen

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@OfficeofSteve

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

@XplodingUnicorn

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

@T_Bonezzz_

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@velweb

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

@bsuphoesdown

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

@KeetPotato

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]