@timdonakowski

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

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@TheBoydP

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@OfficeofSteve

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

@XplodingUnicorn

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@velweb

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

@KeetPotato

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]