@timdonakowski

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

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@braidednosehair

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

@StarWarsProblms

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

@RobinSage76

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

@Inconsteveable

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

@Fred_Delicious

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

@KrazykurtKurt

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

@flashember

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*