Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]