Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children


Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.


Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool


Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.


Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.


9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself


Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”


Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*