Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”