cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*seductively corrects your posture*
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
#JohnTravolta
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.