I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish