Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.