Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?