Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.