Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Grandpa

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service