CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
You Might Also Like
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then