CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.