*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*