*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
You Might Also Like
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time