Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Awesome parenting 😂
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”