Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before