Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
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I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
as is their right
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag