Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
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I think they could have phrased this better
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate