Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
You Might Also Like
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
kids play hide and seek like
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT