Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.