[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
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Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
No one :
Me when I swimming :
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever