*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
real
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.