[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
you stereotypes are all alike
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
monday
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older