@ashgrash Ok, but like, how married are you?
@ch000ch [climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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@ashgrash 
@PaperWash Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
@flinnie What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
@notmythirdrodeo 5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
@mcclure111 Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
@mediocreheroes Krampus.
@Thynebear *queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
@abhorrent_wife Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
@frenziedlanes Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
@Brianhopecomedy My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.