[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information


“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish


So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.


Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.


*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*


She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.


I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.


If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.


There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx


Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.