Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@IcyJaime

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

@Book_Krazy

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

@cornlog

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

@Jenny4ashley

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@DiamondLou69

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

@1800Randy

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@mikeyspiritDC

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

@TinksEyeView

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

@AndyAsAdjective

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.