Ok, but like, how married are you?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.