@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

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@PaperWash

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

@flinnie

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

@notmythirdrodeo

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

@mcclure111

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

@Thynebear

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

@frenziedlanes

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.