Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Facebook memories be like
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.