[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.