Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“i am a sweet baby”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.